18 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Should Coach The Denver Broncos

Mitt Romney is probably going to run for President again. I have an odd respect for Mitt Romney. The man went on record saying he hates eggplant “in any shape or form.” It takes balls to be that ignorant about everything else that’s going on in the world and declare EGGPLANT the enemy.  I’m sure I’m missing other gaffes/human riots violations but Mitt Romney + Eggplant is the only thing that sticks out in my mind regarding this truly unremarkable human being.

Don’t do it, Mitt. Instead of trying to become president for the third time, why not try something new? National Football League Club (?) The Denver Broncos of Denver Colorado, USA are in need of a leader. Head Coach John Fox was said to have “agreed to part ways” after John Elway decided before the meeting that they were going to agree to do that.

Are you picking up what I’m laying down? I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY but age is just a number and our parent’s don’t get us anyway baby so here are 18 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Should Coach The Denver Broncos:

1. There probably isn’t too much for him to screw up. This of, course, depends on if the real head coach, Peyton Manning, stays. Peyton’s future is up in the air at this point, for ESPN tells me so, but I think perhaps hiring more of a “figurehead” rather than an actual coach might encourage Peyton to stick around. Peyton is a bit of what you might call “Type A.” Mitt would still get the fancy title and feeling of being in charge, but we all know who’s actually going to be calling the shots from now on. Mitt wouldn’t even have to know what shape a football is or how to pronounce “Demaryius.” Just stand on the sidelines lookin’ pretty, boy.  Kind of like when the USA installs a fake government in nations that we liberate who just HAPPEN to have tons of oil and other neat resources #STAYWOKE.

2. It could satisfy Mitt’s need to be a leader. You’re a head coach! The Boss! Head Bitch In Charge (kinda, see above). You can get a #1 Coach Mug and everything but if you do, please don’t mention it to Jim Schwartz because I think he thinks his is the only one.

3. More Americans would probably listen to what he had to say. For example: Sometimes I still wish think Donald Rumsfeld was Secretary of Defense. But I sure as heck remember when Peyton totally laid out that scoreboard operator haha oh man poor guy he’s probably selling slurpies at CU Boulder games. The NFL gets stuff DONE. Remember when they solved domestic violence?

4. Mitt and Peyton will get along since they both CAN’T SEEM TO WIN THE BIG ONE.

5. Mitt did something with the Olympics so he’s probably really good at sports and stuff.

6. Colorado is next to Romney’s home state of Utah. I think I drove through both in the same day during my cross country road trip, but that was a weird time and I really can’t be sure. My only advice for driving across the US of A is to skip Kansas. Do whatever you need to get around Kansas. Add an extra three days while you circle up to drive through Nebraska or buy a hot air balloon or something. They don’t have iPhone 5 charges in their Dollar Generals and their Dairy Queens only sell chocolate and vanilla NO TWISTS. Brown vs. The Board of Education didn’t die for this, man.

7. You don’t need charisma to run a football team.


9. This gig could Prevent Mitt from running again.  This is the most important thing. More Romney2016 coverage means less time for Chris Christie fat jokes. I like Chris Christie fat jokes. Is Chris Christie still fat? SEE WHAT I MEAN PEOPLE BARELY PAY ATTENTION TO POLITICS? I do pay attention enough to know that no matter what happens or who else runs, Jeb Bush will win the whole shebang because of The Illuminati and Halliburton and stuff. Sorry, Mitt. But really, sorry, Hillary.

10. Mitt Romney is so organized that he keeps his WOMEN in BINDERS. Coaches need to be organized and probably used to keep plays and other important stuff in binders although I think they’re being forced to use this Not-iPad thing that I’m certain is causing Steve Jobs to scream from inside the coffin they blasted him into space with.

11. Awww rats why did I say 18 reasons

12. Being President is Hard. Dude, remember this guy?

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This is what he looks like now:

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Feel old yet?

13. It would be hilarious.

14. There would almost CERTAINLY be a movie about it. If not a 30 For 30 then AT LEAST a Disney Channel Original Movie. I’m sure James Franco will be too burned out to say no by then. More movies are a good thing because movies distract you from investing 20 minutes into writing a stupid hypothetical list.

15. Look at these two and tell me they wouldn’t get along:

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We didn’t quite make it to 18. But do you really need another reason? Again, there is a slight chance that Peyton Manning might not return and blah blah blah then this whole Shadow Broncos Government model wouldn’t quite work. But I say screw it. Mitt’s the right man for the job and the only man for the job.

Okay, I’m gonna go watch hockey now, bye.

18 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Should Coach The Denver Broncos