How To Defeat ISIS

The Daily Mail is reporting that The Islamic State is experiencing a biiiiit of a social media meltdown. We’ve ALL been there, girl. Senior ISIS officials are apparently asking fighters to stop tweeting so much, because they’re supposedly revealing secret ISIS locations. So basically those dudes can operate a rocket launcher, but don’t know how to turn the off the location services on their iPhones. Makes sense!

To me, this story is very telling. There’s an obvious solution to defeat ISIS, and it’s being overlooked because people are failing to recognize ISIS for what they really are.

Let’s see: Young, impressionable dudes who are determined to break away from “mainstream” Islam. They’re obsessed with social media, all have beards, adhere to a very specific dress code, and they’re into making films that nobody wants to watch.

The Islamic State is made up of hipsters.

Wait, wait, no, look, they’re even fans of VICE—

Screen Shot 2014-10-19 at 1.31.25 AM

(From VICE’s documentary “The Islamic State.”)

Look at that guy! He’d never talk to some lame-stream corporate media company like CNN or Fox News. That’s what all of the “sheeple” watch.

But how do you defeat a hipster? It’s not through drone strikes, or putting boots on the ground.  Hipsters love boots, even in the middle of July. Besides, there’s nothing a hipster enjoys more than being persecuted and victimized.  “Oh, Shouts & Murmurs rejected my piece about why all Americans must drown in a river of blood, I knew my metaphors were a too deep for them to handle.” *takes a drag of a clove cigarette*

Nope. You have to make ISIS popular. How popular? Rich-white-middle-school-kids-are-into -you- popular. It’s the kiss of death for any subculture. Just ask Hip Hop.

Step one: Move yuppie families into ISIS neighborhoods. Young, affluent parents pushing little Caleb’s around in $600 strollers. I’m talking “My husband manages a hedge fund and I’m a stay at home mommy blogger” types. Starbucks. JCrews. Anything you think Gwyneth Paltrow might be into. Basically, turn the Middle East into Brooklyn. Or Silverlake. Shout out to my West Coast scummmm!

Step two: Re-release the Islamic State National Anthem on iTunes as a dubstep remix. Maybe something like this… Daaaaaaamn, that shit is gonna be blasted at EVERY Midwestern prom this spring.  Next, you have the song appear in a McDonald’s commercial. NOT TACO BELL. Hipsters love eating Taco Bell because it gives them ironic diarrhea. Has to be McDonalds. Hell, you really wanna drive the knife in after that, have Katy Perry drop a few bars on it.  Gotta be careful with that though, I think that might violate parts of the Geneva Convention.

Finally, you hit ‘em with the hipster A-Bomb: Applebee’s. Nothing repulses a hipster quite like a family-friendly chain restaurant with reasonable prices. Soon, middle-aged Dads with their Old Navy jeans and cellphone belt clips will be stumbling into Syria and Iraq for some deep fried quesadillas on a stick. You’ll see those ISIS cats disappear faster than VIP Coachella tickets. They’ll be too humiliated to admit they were ever even into The Islamic State.  “Pshh. ISIS is so 2014.  I only Jihad with the Khorasan… you’ve probably never heard of them. “

And pretty soon, you’ll start to see these shirts popping up in Urban Outfitters:

Screen Shot 2014-10-19 at 12.43.31 AM

How To Defeat ISIS