18 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Should Coach The Denver Broncos

Mitt Romney is probably going to run for President again. I have an odd respect for Mitt Romney. The man went on record saying he hates eggplant “in any shape or form.” It takes balls to be that ignorant about everything else that’s going on in the world and declare EGGPLANT the enemy.  I’m sure I’m missing other gaffes/human riots violations but Mitt Romney + Eggplant is the only thing that sticks out in my mind regarding this truly unremarkable human being.

Don’t do it, Mitt. Instead of trying to become president for the third time, why not try something new? National Football League Club (?) The Denver Broncos of Denver Colorado, USA are in need of a leader. Head Coach John Fox was said to have “agreed to part ways” after John Elway decided before the meeting that they were going to agree to do that.

Are you picking up what I’m laying down? I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY but age is just a number and our parent’s don’t get us anyway baby so here are 18 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Should Coach The Denver Broncos:

1. There probably isn’t too much for him to screw up. This of, course, depends on if the real head coach, Peyton Manning, stays. Peyton’s future is up in the air at this point, for ESPN tells me so, but I think perhaps hiring more of a “figurehead” rather than an actual coach might encourage Peyton to stick around. Peyton is a bit of what you might call “Type A.” Mitt would still get the fancy title and feeling of being in charge, but we all know who’s actually going to be calling the shots from now on. Mitt wouldn’t even have to know what shape a football is or how to pronounce “Demaryius.” Just stand on the sidelines lookin’ pretty, boy.  Kind of like when the USA installs a fake government in nations that we liberate who just HAPPEN to have tons of oil and other neat resources #STAYWOKE.

2. It could satisfy Mitt’s need to be a leader. You’re a head coach! The Boss! Head Bitch In Charge (kinda, see above). You can get a #1 Coach Mug and everything but if you do, please don’t mention it to Jim Schwartz because I think he thinks his is the only one.

3. More Americans would probably listen to what he had to say. For example: Sometimes I still wish think Donald Rumsfeld was Secretary of Defense. But I sure as heck remember when Peyton totally laid out that scoreboard operator haha oh man poor guy he’s probably selling slurpies at CU Boulder games. The NFL gets stuff DONE. Remember when they solved domestic violence?

4. Mitt and Peyton will get along since they both CAN’T SEEM TO WIN THE BIG ONE.

5. Mitt did something with the Olympics so he’s probably really good at sports and stuff.

6. Colorado is next to Romney’s home state of Utah. I think I drove through both in the same day during my cross country road trip, but that was a weird time and I really can’t be sure. My only advice for driving across the US of A is to skip Kansas. Do whatever you need to get around Kansas. Add an extra three days while you circle up to drive through Nebraska or buy a hot air balloon or something. They don’t have iPhone 5 charges in their Dollar Generals and their Dairy Queens only sell chocolate and vanilla NO TWISTS. Brown vs. The Board of Education didn’t die for this, man.

7. You don’t need charisma to run a football team.

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9. This gig could Prevent Mitt from running again.  This is the most important thing. More Romney2016 coverage means less time for Chris Christie fat jokes. I like Chris Christie fat jokes. Is Chris Christie still fat? SEE WHAT I MEAN PEOPLE BARELY PAY ATTENTION TO POLITICS? I do pay attention enough to know that no matter what happens or who else runs, Jeb Bush will win the whole shebang because of The Illuminati and Halliburton and stuff. Sorry, Mitt. But really, sorry, Hillary.

10. Mitt Romney is so organized that he keeps his WOMEN in BINDERS. Coaches need to be organized and probably used to keep plays and other important stuff in binders although I think they’re being forced to use this Not-iPad thing that I’m certain is causing Steve Jobs to scream from inside the coffin they blasted him into space with.

11. Awww rats why did I say 18 reasons

12. Being President is Hard. Dude, remember this guy?

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This is what he looks like now:

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Feel old yet?

13. It would be hilarious.

14. There would almost CERTAINLY be a movie about it. If not a 30 For 30 then AT LEAST a Disney Channel Original Movie. I’m sure James Franco will be too burned out to say no by then. More movies are a good thing because movies distract you from investing 20 minutes into writing a stupid hypothetical list.

15. Look at these two and tell me they wouldn’t get along:

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We didn’t quite make it to 18. But do you really need another reason? Again, there is a slight chance that Peyton Manning might not return and blah blah blah then this whole Shadow Broncos Government model wouldn’t quite work. But I say screw it. Mitt’s the right man for the job and the only man for the job.

Okay, I’m gonna go watch hockey now, bye.

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18 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Should Coach The Denver Broncos

The Snake Who Eats That Dude For The Discovery Channel: The Vanity Fair Interview

I’m about 15 minutes early for my lunch date with Ana Conda, one of Hollywood’s brightest and most promising young stars. Amazonian traffic can be so unpredictable. After a three-day trek through impenetrable rainforest where I experienced multiple jaguar attacks and am now fighting a touch of malaria, I find myself in a charming little neighborhood café. I cozy up in a back booth, and decide to do a little people watching before Ana arrives.

I see an elegant snake slither in. She’s pretty, with a radiance that seems to light up the entire room. She’s wearing a cool, white cotton dress and no makeup. She slides up to my table.

“I’m glad I was early,” she smiles warmly. “How long have you been waiting?”

It’s uncommon to find Hollywood Starlets as down to earth and refreshing as Ana Conda. She seems to be on a first-name basis with everyone in the café; I almost feel as if I am intruding on a family reunion. When it comes time to order, Ana does something absolutely unheard of in the Hollywoodland of Juice Cleanses and Gluten Free: asks for the spaghetti and meatballs.

Though Ana is a strong contender for the coveted title of “America’s Sweetheart” her latest role is mired in controversy. On December 7th, The Discovery Channel will air “Eaten Alive,” a documentary that follows naturalist Paul Rosolie, as he attempts to have Ana Conda swallow him whole. Rosalie dons a custom built “snake-proof” suit, which is supposed to protect him from Ana’s gastric juices and will aide in his escape. Though the project is already being dubbed an obvious awards season contender, many critics are calling the it animal abuse, and argue that it vilifies the already misunderstood snake.

Ana digs into her carb parade, pausing occasionally to ask the waiter how his daughter is, or compliment the hostess on her vintage top. I feel somewhat superior as I went with a watercress salad. But what transpired between Ana and I over the next six hours was one of the most refreshing and down to earth interviews I’ve had in my fifteen years as a journalist

VF: So, what initially attracted you to this role?

AC: Well, when my agent first pitched me the offer, my reaction was absolutely not. But I’m a big fan of Discovery’s Planet Earth series, and thought OK, maybe I’ll take a look at the script. And I couldn’t put it down. I just had to be a part of this. Plus, I’d been taking some personal time last year and was really itching to get back to work.

VF: Do you feel that your work in this film qualifies as animal abuse?

AC: Whoa, tough questions right off the bat! Honestly though, I’m flattered there are so many people that care about me. It’s very humbling. But I am a professional, and (laughs) my stunt double is a professional too if you know what I mean.

VF: You don’t do you own stunts?

AC: Let’s just say that once you reach a certain level, the studio won’t even hear about stars doing their own stunts. I’d love to do my own stunts, really. I’d like to experience everything that my character is going through. The insurance costs go through the roof though. And that’s a little look at how the sausage is made I guess.

VF: You eat sausage? That’s so refreshing and down to earth.

AC: I know. Thank you.

VF: Some critics say that by taking this role, you’re helping to actually vilify snakes in the media.

AC: And to them I say, life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. There are ugly parts of all of us that we’d like to bury, but that’s simply not real. I’m not interested in anything that’s not real anymore, you know what I mean?

VF: That’s so refreshing and down to earth. Are you seeing anyone right now?

AC: No, I’ve been taking some time to focus on myself. I was always one of those girls who was NEVER single, and honestly, I think I was afraid to be single. But after John and I broke up (Ed. Note: Ana dated musician John Mayer on and off from 2011-2013) I really had to look at myself and it was like who ARE you Ana? And I think that reflection has been so refreshing and I feel even more down to earth than before.

VF: What about the rumors of an on-set romance developing between you and your costar Paul Rosolie?

AC: Any time you’re working that closely with someone, as an actor, you’re bound to develop an intimacy that other people don’t understand. But…we’re just friends.

VF: Are you a fan of Nicki Minaj?

AC: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, no?

VF: That’s such a…

AC: Down to earth and refreshing response? I know.

VF: I can’t go any longer without addressing this, your scales are absolutely radiant.

AC: (Laughs) Thank you.

VF: Can you describe you beauty routine for us peasants?

AC: When I’m not working, I don’t wear any makeup. I think its good to let your skin breath. I don’t use soap on my skin, instead I squeeze a little lemon onto a cotton ball and clean it with that. It works, I swear! But, if I’m heading out or it’s date night, I’m obsessed with Smashbox’s CC Cream, it photographs so well. And I’m definitely a bit of a mascara addict. And that’s it. I’ll do a bold lip here and there if I get bored. I actually do my own makeup for most of my appearances but that’s an entirely different ballgame.

VF: Really? You do all of your own makeup?

AC: If it’s a premiere of the Oscars, or any public appearance or if I’m just feeling fugly that day, obviously I’ll hire a makeup artist. But I grew up in the theater and learned plenty of tips and tricks.

VF: That’s so refreshing and down to earth of you.

AC: I know.

VF: You’re a really refreshing and down to earth kind of girl.

AC: Kind of snake. (Smiles)

For dessert, Ana stalks and kills a baby monkey sitting at the table next to us. Its monkey parents are more than happy to have their child provide nourishment for such a refreshing and down to earth movie star. Ana promises to send them her poop so that they may have a proper burial (and will even include an autograph for their other kids). A waiter whisks out to our table an organic, locally grown acai jam to spread on top of the baby monkey. It’s delicious, despite me not being able to keep much solid food down due to the malaria. I’m going to get so skinny.

Before we can finish, word has gotten out to the paparazzi that Ana Conda is here, and after a million apologies, Ana slips out through the back of the café undetected.

The owner of the café takes care of our tab. I take a look at my skin, which is growing yellow from the malaria. Perhaps I’ll try a little lemon juice. It seems really down to earth and refreshing.

The Snake Who Eats That Dude For The Discovery Channel: The Vanity Fair Interview

How To Defeat ISIS

The Daily Mail is reporting that The Islamic State is experiencing a biiiiit of a social media meltdown. We’ve ALL been there, girl. Senior ISIS officials are apparently asking fighters to stop tweeting so much, because they’re supposedly revealing secret ISIS locations. So basically those dudes can operate a rocket launcher, but don’t know how to turn the off the location services on their iPhones. Makes sense!

To me, this story is very telling. There’s an obvious solution to defeat ISIS, and it’s being overlooked because people are failing to recognize ISIS for what they really are.

Let’s see: Young, impressionable dudes who are determined to break away from “mainstream” Islam. They’re obsessed with social media, all have beards, adhere to a very specific dress code, and they’re into making films that nobody wants to watch.

The Islamic State is made up of hipsters.

Wait, wait, no, look, they’re even fans of VICE—

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(From VICE’s documentary “The Islamic State.”)

Look at that guy! He’d never talk to some lame-stream corporate media company like CNN or Fox News. That’s what all of the “sheeple” watch.

But how do you defeat a hipster? It’s not through drone strikes, or putting boots on the ground.  Hipsters love boots, even in the middle of July. Besides, there’s nothing a hipster enjoys more than being persecuted and victimized.  “Oh, Shouts & Murmurs rejected my piece about why all Americans must drown in a river of blood, I knew my metaphors were a too deep for them to handle.” *takes a drag of a clove cigarette*

Nope. You have to make ISIS popular. How popular? Rich-white-middle-school-kids-are-into -you- popular. It’s the kiss of death for any subculture. Just ask Hip Hop.

Step one: Move yuppie families into ISIS neighborhoods. Young, affluent parents pushing little Caleb’s around in $600 strollers. I’m talking “My husband manages a hedge fund and I’m a stay at home mommy blogger” types. Starbucks. JCrews. Anything you think Gwyneth Paltrow might be into. Basically, turn the Middle East into Brooklyn. Or Silverlake. Shout out to my West Coast scummmm!

Step two: Re-release the Islamic State National Anthem on iTunes as a dubstep remix. Maybe something like this…https://soundcloud.com/notaterrorist/untitled-wub-machine-remix Daaaaaaamn, that shit is gonna be blasted at EVERY Midwestern prom this spring.  Next, you have the song appear in a McDonald’s commercial. NOT TACO BELL. Hipsters love eating Taco Bell because it gives them ironic diarrhea. Has to be McDonalds. Hell, you really wanna drive the knife in after that, have Katy Perry drop a few bars on it.  Gotta be careful with that though, I think that might violate parts of the Geneva Convention.

Finally, you hit ‘em with the hipster A-Bomb: Applebee’s. Nothing repulses a hipster quite like a family-friendly chain restaurant with reasonable prices. Soon, middle-aged Dads with their Old Navy jeans and cellphone belt clips will be stumbling into Syria and Iraq for some deep fried quesadillas on a stick. You’ll see those ISIS cats disappear faster than VIP Coachella tickets. They’ll be too humiliated to admit they were ever even into The Islamic State.  “Pshh. ISIS is so 2014.  I only Jihad with the Khorasan… you’ve probably never heard of them. “

And pretty soon, you’ll start to see these shirts popping up in Urban Outfitters:

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How To Defeat ISIS